Your face is a jimmy john
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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