it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
