Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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