Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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