the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
