He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
