I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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