why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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