I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
