I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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