Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
