Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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