I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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