help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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