Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
