paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
