I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize