yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
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The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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