I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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