Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
they're like a gay fantastic four
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
