I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
