I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
