so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
BRING THE BAGELS
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
