I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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