dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize