I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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