She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
