woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How does it feel to date your dad?
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