Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
