Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
