6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Randomize
