dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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