as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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