I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
