I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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