I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
