Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
