swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
