Don't make out with my wife yet
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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