Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
