then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I did not marry a roomba.
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