What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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