I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick