the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts