I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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