It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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