Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
