How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
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Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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