Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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