Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
