Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
