If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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