Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
