Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
