I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When did angry sex become our thing?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
