it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
