just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
